FAILURE IS YOUR ROAD TO SUCCESS

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions” - Henry G. Bohn’s A Hand-book of Proverbs (1855).

Today, many attribute this phrasing to “The road to success is paved with good intentions”, meaning triumph and success can often be met with challenges and pitfalls, one must overcome in order to truly be deserving of a good life.

“For every successful person in the world there are equally as many failures (maybe more because that's just life)” - LinkedIn article discussing the relationship between success and failure (2021).

“An extraordinary life is one on your terms, both of deep meaning and incredible impact. Driven by the pursuit of excellence and guided by a profound sense of purpose” - Tony Robbins.

Life can be really demanding of us, but one thing is for certain, you have the power to take responsibility for your actions that will contribute to either a successful or average life. Working your way through this blog post, you will understand me, Alexandra F., and all my failures; how rejection in all areas of my life seemingly turned into the best and most empowering journey to self-acceptance I have ever stumbled on.

Getting Educated

I failed a lot at school, I didn’t listen much to teachers, I was always off daydreaming about a good life, happy life, one that filled up my cup and spilled over to everyone else. I used to fantasise about running away a lot, even attempting it a few times. I have now come to realise the mind-numbing urgency to run away was and still is my yearning for freedom from the chains of life that keep us in one place.

Education for me wasn’t an aspect of my youth I particularly enjoyed until I was around 15 - 16 years old, and was allowed to pick a few subjects to study as part of my GCSE’s. I used to love drama, dance, sports, anything that physically got my heart rate beating, endorphins rising and adrenaline pumping.

Today I go running nearly everyday of the week, enjoy swimming and trail walking to new destinations. I have a curious mind that wonders often, in search of stimulation.

My failure with education in my early years was not paying attention to all aspects I needed to. While I did very well at school in the end, I failed my A-levels, and ended up taking a year out of academia before re-entering into higher education, earning a diploma in social science.

This enabled me to study Criminology at University, however I also didn’t get the Bachelor’s degree I wanted, and therefore felt like a failure once again.

I look back and remember the heartache when receiving my final dissertation results, nowhere near the mark I knew I was capable of.

I didn’t know it then, but this failure in particular is the reason I am in the cyber security industry, and the true career I so adore. My failures at University, led me to take the feedback on the chin and go onto study Criminology and gain my Masters degree, to which I excelled and exceeded even my own expectations.

You see, the crazy thing about life is, the answers were right in front of me, staring me blankly in the face, it wasn’t that I couldn’t achieve the degree I knew I was deserving of, it was because I didn’t believe I deserved it.

Even though I dropped out mentally during my Bachelors, I dropped in and remained fully present during my Masters, and it was during these months I learnt about ‘cyber security’, ‘dark web’, ‘Ross Ulbricht’, ‘creator of infamous underground marketplace Silk Road’, and truly fell in love with education.

The title of this section is ‘Getting Educated’. What I mean by that is, you can study and hone your craft for years not really understanding what it all means in the grand scheme of things, or how you fit the mold. Until one day, you decide to go the extra mile for yourself, you take the failure and turn it into success. For me this took a decade of learning and figuring it all out. Had I not taken the leap to study my Masters, despite my below average grades at University and somewhat vacant mindset, I never would have witnessed my true potential and continued to apply this throughout all aspects of my life.

I continue to learn outside of my career, through books, podcasts, conferences and seminars, because honestly whilst education can be accessible to most, it also takes a lifetime of continued fine tuning and ownership to build yourself up through knowledge.

Finding my voice IN MY mid-20’s - is it too late?

In early 2020, like many of us, I watched the news to find out we were entering a nationwide lockdown, as a result of a new virus spreading COVID-19. This lockdown aside from a few opportunities to go outside, meant we were all tucked away in doors for two years. As the world emerged, the aftermath felt quite different, with new talent capitalising on social media, remote working jobs, and heightened technological advancements.

For me, my career in cyber security began, and for the next year I worked fully remote with a threat intelligence company.

All seems pretty great right?

My failure in my mid-20’s is a combination of so many different things (please read navigating your 20’s blog a sprinkle of further insights). I started my career at 24/25, and therefore heavily compared myself to those my age and younger, thinking I should have started sooner, be further along in my career already, have an apartment, travel the world and so forth. I placed a heavy burden on myself to do more and be this extraordinary person. I failed myself because I didn’t see that entering an industry such as cyber security is a skill in itself, it’s no secret that the skills gap for cyber is set to peak at around 3.5M by 2025, we are seriously short of talent and eager learners (more on this in the last chapter - AFRG journey).

This leads me onto my next set of failures, because I didn’t study a STEM subject (a.k.a. Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics), computer science, international relations/geopolitics, or even business, I struggled to find a job that suited me in the first place. I was rejected for about 7 months after my Masters, through a series of online job candidate screenings, telephone interviews, first stage and second stage interviews including set practical tasks to complete. You name it, I just didn’t make the cut. I remember one specific interview, I completely choked, couldn’t get my words out, had to sit online for over an hour with two interviewees and the feedback was terrible, asking ‘are you sure this is the right career for you’. In another interview, I was described as needing ‘a lot of hand holding’ (although I take it on the chin now, I still wonder why this terms was and is used a lot as part of feedback today. When you start a new role, of course you will need guidance and help).

My failures in getting a job in cyber security, pushed me so much harder, I almost got to the point of total resilience, and actually welcomed the rejection in, because 1) I didn’t know any better so wasn’t sure what else to expect, and 2) I still had a tiny bit of hope that it would all turn out okay in the end. I didn’t know it then, but my overwhelming tenacity mixed with a little bit of ego wanted to prove everyone wrong, that I did deserve a seat at the table, and could get a job in the field I so wanted.

After the first few rejections, I started to really focus on the feedback, and championed this going forward, even going a step further and asking for it, whether that be at the end of interviews, or via email correspondence. I needed to know what the ‘experts’ wanted, in order to get hired.

Outcome? I leant the fundamentals of cyber security through self taught study, over the period I was looking for a job (around 6/7 months), and would memorise the job specifications for roles I wanted (mostly entry level cyber security analyst careers). I would make sure that by the time I got into the interview room, I knew 70% of the questions they were going to ask me, that I had hypothetical scenarios / examples to back up my claims (STAR model is great as part of interview prep). Don’t get me wrong, I was still super nervous and somewhat not ready to enter the industry, but I was determined and eager to make it happen.

My final job interview before I landed my FIRST role in threat intelligence went a little something like this.

I went through a recruitment company, and had a first interview, and passed onto the next stage. I will never forget when the recruitment lady rang and asked me if I knew what ‘OSINT’ was (a.k.a open-source intelligence). It is a term I now use almost daily, and means using certain tooling to identify publicly available information online, belonging to a person or organisation.

I again, took my own initiative and learnt about OSINT from online learning material, applying this in my second interview.

I did NOT get the job. I was gutted, and after getting the phone call, sat in a friend’s garden, a very hot summers day in 2021. A week later, as I continued my job hunt, I got THE call. “(company) wants to set up a meeting to discuss a new role they are creating”.

A few days later, I was back in a virtual room unknowingly to me, with my new manager, and they informed me they wanted to give me a shot. I was stunned. After so long, wanting the job/career/life, I was finally given the chance to have it all. And so, my career in cyber security began.

This section has been quite heavy, so many perceived failures throughout my career in the beginning. Not feeling good enough, smart enough, starting too late, lacking knowledge, and getting rejected. Little did I know, each rejection made me stronger, whether at school, University or in my career. Your mind and body know when it is time to give up, and give it one more shot, even if everyone else is telling you to let it go. TRUST your instincts. If I hadn’t, I may never have taken the initiative to teach myself cyber security and get the job I wanted. I would have stayed on the side lines, dreaming and wishing I had tried harder.

Your new life, advanced life, the life you fantasise about is out there waiting for you to take hold of it, but you have to want it, truly desire it and create the building blocks to help you get there. You can have a team behind you, but ultimately it comes down to you, and you alone.

A life worth Living - Journey to AFRG

In the summer of 2023, AFRG(a.k.a. AF’sRetailGuide) was first created by me, a small idea to put all my knowledge of retail, fashion and cyber security on a blog site for anyone and everyone to read. My goal at the time, and still remains the same today, is to offer guidance, and build a community well equipped with knowledge about cyber threat trends and risks within the threat landscape.

AFRG is your go-to source for cutting-edge insights, including topics such as metaverse, and the latest tech trends reshaping retail, providing invaluable tips on cyber security.

For the majority of 2024, I have been offering mentoring and coaching to young professionals similar to myself and the wider public, keen to progress their careers in cyber, tech, and consumer worlds. I love public speaking, and will be venturing down this path A LOT in the latter 2024 - 2025 (I hope to see some of you soon in-person). Ultimately, I want to help, and am without a doubt passionate about the future of cyber security. I want to create a seat at the table for ALL of you, being an advocate for young, rising female and male tech professionals navigating their way through the challenges of a dominated industry.

I will soon be offering mentorship programmes, networking events, and awareness campaigns, working to create opportunities and foster an inclusive environment where women and men can thrive and succeed.

Because you see, as you have made it to this point, you will hopefully understand a little more about me, Alexandra F., founder of AFRG / AF’sRetailGuide, a normal young women, having experienced a hell of a lot of rejection in life already, but never let it stop me in the pursuit of a good life, great life, one that has a purpose and meaning.

I want AFRG to be your home away from home, a sanctuary where you can foster and adopt each other’s ideas. Come as you are and nothing more or less. Be daring, outspoken, crazy, mindful of others, but most importantly be yourself, 100% authentic all the time.

Bonus Section: Scapegoat

**Trigger warning, this section may be hard hitting for anyone having gone through similar family-based experiences and therefore I want to pre-empt just in case.

My ‘failure’ in this section relates to family. The word to me still feels like a taboo. We all have one, born into one circle full of admirers, champions, self-soothing individuals ready to take on the world with us.

What if that isn’t everyone’s reality? For a long time it was mine, unfortunately as I got older and started to become more independent and develop my own sense of self, cracks below the surface began to show, self-soothing turned to self sabotage, little comments made here and there, stares and angered looks until finally I walked away.

I moved to London when I was 26, and have spent the last two years navigating the city, including all its grandiosity. On the outside, I have lived a great life up until now, two degrees, a wonderful corporate job, passionate side hustle that is gaining attraction online, and I am making connections through networking events.

Want to know the truth? The last two years have without a doubt been the most challenging.

I’ve researched over the years broken families, and the word ‘dysfunctional’ remains a familiar tone. You hear musicians and rappers singing about their experiences, even influencers and content creators have recently begun sharing heartwarming videos, so their audiences can tune in and relate.

Bloggers like me also have a responsibility to share real-world experiences to build trust and authenticity with their community. Therefore, I want to divulge my own past, with the hope it might help any of you going through or thinking about taking a similar path.

I am an avid Reddit reader, and through my own experiences of walking away from my family, found myself searching for a community of individuals who have gone through similar experiences.‘Scapegoat’ is a term I came across about a year ago, used within the context where one family member will unknowingly to them take on the role of being everyone’s confidant so to speak. I am naturally empathetic, Pisces is my star sign and therefore I grew up being super introverted, and sensitive to others.

Being on the receiving end of everyone else’s problems didn’t leave much room for my own self improvement, straining relationships as I got older and ultimately neglecting my self in the face of pleasing people. My ‘failure’ is staying in a rubbish situation when I knew it was time to pack up and leave.

Family is a construct we are taught about in school, described as loving, caring, nurturing and so forth. Family means togetherness, but this is not everyone’s reality, so I came to understand through hours of scrolling Google Searches.

Through my own ‘failure’ of staying too long in a family that wasn’t accepting of me as the person I am today, I have come to understand I can’t fix and am not responsible for other people’s emotions. Through emotional intelligence, we should all learn how to regulate and communicate how we feel. I believe walking away gave me back my freedom I longed for my entire life, and so this ‘failure’ actually turned out to be one of my greatest success stories.

I want anyone who is reading this feeling a similar way to know, it is okay to walk away from situations, family and friends that no longer serve you. You deserve to shine bright. Having a different mindset, wanting more than your bloodline and going down your own pathway IS the right decision. No one should feel inferior, unworthy, unlovable, and not good enough for deciding to challenge expectations.

We get one life, one shot to give it all we have got. One chance to wake up and make our dreams come true, succeed in any way we choose, light up rooms with our own unique power. Being 100% authentic in an air filled with adversity may just be the catalyst you need to drive you forward. But remember, a bad day doesn’t equal a bad life, just as the family you’re born into, doesn’t mean you have to stick around if your heart and mind truly believe you are built differently and are ready to achieve greatness.